How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship
Every relationship faces disagreements at one point or another.
But when a couple isn’t feeling emotionally and spiritually connected, disagreeing seems like it’s the only thing you ever do.
You get into a repetitive pattern of arguing. When we are experiencing repetitive arguments and conflicts in our relationship we know we have entered the power struggle phase. And when this happens, it’s hard to imagine finding intimacy.
So, how do you navigate this power struggle when you’re trying to create an emotional connection with your partner?
If you want to feel a connection in your relationship, creating emotional safety is essential.
Without the feeling of emotional safety, you won’t be able to reignite the emotional connection that will lead to intimacy.
Let’s look at how you can come together, as a couple, to connect in a way that will move you toward emotional safety when it comes to intimacy.
It starts by understanding why we react the way we do.
When our partner says something that triggers us, why do we react in the way that we do?
The Power Struggle is a normal stage in all relationships.
The Imago Spiral Experience shows that all relationships go through a cycle of repeating the stages of love, rupture, repair and connection.
When our partner says something that triggers us, why do we react in the way that we do?
The Power Struggle is a normal stage in all relationships.
The Imago Spiral Experience shows that all relationships go through a cycle of repeating the stages of love, rupture, repair and connection.
The chemical-driven, romantic love stage (that we often call the honeymoon phase) is supposed to come to an end. When it does, we will enter the power struggle phase of the relationship.
When this happens, your partner will touch on old wounds within you that have not yet been resolved and still affect you. You will have parts of you that become triggered or activated by things that happened so long ago. The pain point you’re experiencing is the same, but this time, it’s your partner who is hitting on it – and it really hurts.
It’s important to remember, that while your partner may have triggered the pain point, they aren’t responsible for it. They likely won’t even know how they’re doing it.
When our partner says something that triggers us, why do we react in the way that we do?
The Power Struggle is a normal stage in all relationships.
The Imago Spiral Experience shows that all relationships go through a cycle of repeating the stages of love, rupture, repair and connection.
The chemical-driven, romantic love stage (that we often call the honeymoon phase) is supposed to come to an end. When it does, we will enter the power struggle phase of the relationship.
When this happens, your partner will touch on old wounds within you that have not yet been resolved and still affect you. You will have parts of you that become triggered or activated by things that happened so long ago. The pain point you’re experiencing is the same, but this time, it’s your partner who is hitting on it – and it really hurts.
It’s important to remember, that while your partner may have triggered the pain point, they aren’t responsible for it. They likely won’t even know how they’re doing it.
3 Steps to Creating Emotional Safety
When you find yourself being triggered by something your partner says to you, try following these three steps to create a space of emotional safety.
Step 1 – Pause and take a moment to understand what’s really happening
The next time you feel triggered in a conversation with your intimate partner, take a moment to understand what’s actually happening.
Every time there’s an argument, instead of immediately thinking they’re trying to hurt you in some way, consider whether instead, they’re simply highlighting pains from your past that bring up difficult things for you.
When our partners highlight pain points from our past, it’s easy to become triggered, and then apply what we’re feeling in a negative way towards them.
Instead, catch yourself and look inward.
For growth and healing to come, you need to be able to harness your own awareness, and then look at what you’re feeling from a place of interest, curiosity and compassion. Not just for yourself, but for your partner.
Step 2 – Take personal responsibility
The moment you feel triggered, it’s important to take personal responsibility for what you’re feeling.
Acknowledge your reaction to your partner. Make it clear that you know it’s not necessarily them that has done this to you and that you need to take a moment to self-soothe and self-regulate, but that you aren’t abandoning the conversation, rejecting them or exiting.
Step 3 – Make a plan to self-soothe
If we try to continue in the conversation while we’re triggered, it only ever leads to repeating the patterns that hold us in the power struggle.
It’s really important to learn to self-soothe when you’ve been triggered, so you can then re-enter the conversation in a way that honours both yourself and your partner.
In self-soothing, we need to be loving towards all the painful parts of us that have come to the surface – even though these parts represent pain or challenge for us.
Scoop up the parts of you that are hurt. Love them. Say “I see you”. Call them sweet names like they’re small children who need your love and reassurance.
These parts are not all of you. Instead of saying “I am so hurt by what happened”, you can say “There is a part of me that is so hurt by what happened.”
This is a very subtle but powerful difference.
Self-soothe, remove yourself if you need to and manage your emotions in whatever way works for you. Then you can come back to the power struggle with your partner but from a place of being regulated and responsible for your emotions.
An Emotional Safety Exercise
To help you get started on implementing these steps to emotional safety, here’s an exercise you can do, that will ensure you’re prepared the next time you’re triggered by something your partner says or does.
Imagine that something has happened and you are activated or a pain point is touched on.
What will it look like to honour your own experience and take care of yourself, while also keeping a safe space between you and your partner?
Think of this like a brainstorming exercise. Note down any ideas that arise and keep your list somewhere safe.
How will you know you have caught the moment?
What will you say to yourself?
How will you communicate with your partner?
What will you do to self-soothe? Will you need to remove yourself? Where will you go? How long do you think you might need?
Will you do breathwork or journaling? Will you use an affirmation, or change your body in some way?
Will you conjure a feeling within yourself or do some form of releasing?
These are just jumping-off points for you to put your plan together. You should make it your own.
There is no right or wrong, and this practice might evolve with time and trial.
Remember that having the intention of making this change to the way you navigate the power struggle stage of your relationship is half the battle. The process will allow you to create new pathways and patterns for your brain to follow.
Emotional safety is key to emotional connection.
In our intimate relationship, it’s important that we look and feel into these power struggle experiences with interest, curiosity and compassion.
Knowing and understanding your pain points are where the opportunities for growth and healing are. The key is to catch it, take responsibility for the activation by being self-aware, and then take action to self-soothe and regulate, while letting your partner know that they’re safe in this as well.
Emotional safety on both sides really is the key to intimate connection.